Most people recognize October as Breast Cancer Awareness month, but since the 1980’s it has also been Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. October 15 is the International day to remember those who have suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage or infant death by lighting a memorial candle at 7pm creating a Wave of Light in the darkness of the loss and grief.

I first heard about the Wave of Light event last year on social media. I was inspiried by the bravery and courage of people bringing attention to such sensitive and misunderstood topic. Last year I was inspired but not quite ready to stand with them until recently.

I am encouraged that more and more people are talking about miscarriages. I find that I am tempted, like many others, to bury the grief of my miscarriages and live as if they never happened but that would be a lie. I know that everyone grieves differently, but I believe that we all need to uphold and dignify each and every one of those precious lives – no matter how short their time on earth was. Those beloved little ones are people too.

Rex and I lived through our first three losses mostly in silence. Only a handful of people knew of our pregnancies, losses and grief. It made every day life awkward and difficult because people inadvertently said things that I’m sure wouldn’t have said had they known the silent suffering we were enduring. Their words pierced my heart like daggers and I grew bitter. However, people didn’t understand because through my silence I wasn’t giving them as chance to understand. That was a dark time for Rex and me.

With time and prayer, we have migrated to the “embrace the loss” camp and found ways to memorialize our babies. It doesn’t take away the sorrow, but it definitely makes it a little more bearable, and it helps me feel less crazy.

Memorializing our children and being more open in sharing our story has been immensely therapeutic. Our hearts will never forget each precious child that God blessed us with but it is a way for us to have something tangible to remember.  I would never wish my grief on anyone but I know many people don’t understand the grief of miscarriage whether they have had one or not. I hope our story helps those who don’t understand to some gain perspective and those who do understand may find comfort in knowing we grieve with them.

Here are few things we did to memorialize our children:

1. Naming our children. Some names came quickly after the loss and others took time and prayer. Our first child didn’t have a middle name until 3 months later.
2. Submitted name in the Book of Life. A parish in NY has an incredibly ministry of honoring the lives of prenatal loss. You’re given a certificate of life and names are written in their Book of Life. Every first Monday of the month a Mass celebrated in honor of all the children and their families. We have done this for all six of our babies.
3. Burial. If possible, schedule a burial. I found this helps with closure and provides a place where we can visit our beloved little ones.
4. Light a candle. October 15 for International Wave of Light
5. Something tangible. Whether is a statue, framed ultra sound, or pregnancy loss ribbon, we keep a memento to have something to remember.

May we never forget our beloved little ones.

Praying for you,

Rachel