Where do I even begin? There isn’t a perfect starting point, so I’ll just jump right in.

I have written, deleted and rewritten this blog countless times and still can’t seem to find the right words to translate what my heart is going through. I’m at a loss for words. It is a never-ending, short-lived springboard of emotions that are thrust skyward only to have gravity rip it down. The hope, fear, support, devastation and loneliness continues with no clarity of what lies ahead for my life and family.

The deep inner struggle within me as I type acknowledges the fact that this may all sound familiar. However, it is truly only by grace and courage that I press forward because this story is about a whole new person; my daughter, Marian Grace. Her beautiful, complete, irreplaceable, yet short earthly life is a story worth sharing. I want you to hear Marian’s story from her perspective…

In a matter a few short weeks my mom’s world was turned upside down again, while life around her continued on.

On Easter Sunday, mom posted this picture with the caption: Alleluia. Christ is Risen. Happy Easter from our family to yours! #blessed #newlife #Christisrisen 

You can see her hope and excitement. A few weeks before this picture was taken, mom took a test – a test she has taken plenty of times, which confirms to her and dad that all of my siblings were growing in her womb. A test that revealed new life in a matter of minutes. Three minutes that seemed like an eternity to them. And on that ordinary Lenten day, that very test revealed me to them.

Mom and dad readily exclaimed, “Praise God! Thank you, Jesus!”

They were so thankful and terrified at the same time but every day on earth with them was a blessing. As always, I felt mom’s emotions. She was in awe of God’s generosity (I am her eighth child), yet fearful that my earthly life would be short-lived like my siblings. I sensed, immediately the same thoughts and questions began to swirl in mom’s heart. 

All my parents could do is take one day at a time. Sometimes it felt like it was one minute at a time. That is all mom and dad could really do. Remain hopeful. Keep praying. Keep trusting God. However, this time an important decision had to be made without really knowing what would transpire over the next several months.

With a lot prayer and discernment, my parents decided mom would no longer attend World Youth Day (WYD) this summer. It was not an easy decision but both scenarios lead to mom staying home. If I  was still growing in her womb during WYD (which they were hoping for) then staying home close to doctors and dad would be best. But they also considered if my life on earth would be like my siblings, then knowing how mom grieves she would want to stay home and be close to dad.

So, my parents kept waiting and taking one day at a time.

Through the profoundly beautiful journey of Palm Sunday into the Easter Season, mom and dad were able to remain hopeful. Experiencing Holy Week with me brought a whole new perspective to the Paschal Mystery, especially with all the grief they have suffered.

Shortly into the season of Easter, mom and dad had an ultrasound appointment. They walked into the doctors’ office hopeful and could not wait to see me. Mom envisioned finally being able to post a picture of me later that day.  But then mom and dad received the news that they are all too familiar with – no heartbeat. My parents wept. Dad tried to be strong for mom. They walked out devastated and heartbroken, yet thankful for the gift of my life.

My life was short-lived on earth but now I live eternally with God. I’m united with my siblings and God in heaven, we are all constantly singing glory and praise to God with all the angels and saints. 

This is my story just like the ones before me. Thank you for reading. Please pray for my mom and dad, they love us kids and God so much. 

Praying for you,

Marian Grace.

Is there anything that can fully describe this experience that society views as taboo and corners those who go through it? I wish there was. You cannot cup in your hands the pain or hurt my heart has endured but with each child there are new ways God reveals to me that His love is enduring. The one thing I can grasp in my hands are those of my husband’s, we are on this journey together and we hold each other up through it all.

My hope and prayer is that you will never fully understand what it is like to lose so many children but through our conversations and this blog, perhaps you will have a glimpse.

Know that the cycle of grief continues.

St. Zelie Martin print from Hatch Prints

I don’t know what your wounds are but I pray you unite them to Christ. It is through His wounds and resurrection in which our salvation comes – our hope. The season of Easter reminds us of that. I pray that you allow God’s love and mercy to flow through you to strengthen you now and for all eternity.

In the words of our pastor, Father Jim, “let us bring our wounds to Jesus’ wounded side and experience the following of this healing mercy and profound love for us.” (Divine Mercy Sunday Homily)

I am hopeful and trust in His plan.

Praying for you,

Rachel

“Forever I will sing the goodness of the Lord” – Psalm 89