Rex and I had always planned to celebrate our five year wedding anniversary in Hawaii – regardless of what our family looked like. Before Hawaii we went on vacations that involved friends and family, but never the just-the-two-of-us kind. So from the time we said I Do, we tucked away money whenever we could; sacrificing immediate wants for the Hawaiian adventure we both desired.

Even with our planning and sacrificing, some people are under the impression that because our income is not being spent on child rearing expenses that we live some kind of privileged lifestyle; some have labeled us a DINK couple – Double Income; No Kids. Others have even gone so far as to suggest my life is better than theirs by saying, You’re so lucky because you get to…

• Go on vacation
• Dine out in peace
• Consume a glass of wine (or two)
• Go to the movie theatre on a weeknight
• Guzzle down an immeasurable amount of caffeine
• Sleep through the night with no interruptions
• Go on spontaneous day trips/staycations

All these notions come from a lack of sympathy and err on the side of blissful ignorance. The things “I get to do” pale in comparison to the emptiness my heart knows of not giving birth to a live baby or the weightlessness in my arms of not having the opportunity to hold any of my children.

Despite everything we have suffered, Rex and I remain open to God’s plan for our family (which isn’t always easy, but I’ll save that for another post). While in Hawaii Rex and I prayed for another baby – a “Hawaii baby.” Our prayer was, “God, you know our hearts so we pray if it be in Your will for a new life to be created, let it be.” We truly felt ready since seven months had passed since Nathanael Patrick returned to God.

Words cannot fully express the array of emotions that came over me after seeing those two lines confirming that I am with child. With every pregnancy, I carefully enter a known territory where being grateful and terrified are separated by a very thin line.

I was in awe. Wow, our seventh beloved child. We are now a family of nine. Positive and negative thoughts began to swirl through my mind:

• Oh, God, thank You! What a blessing!
• Hastily calculating my due date
• Yearning to be overly nauseous
• Second guessing my meal choices
• Imagining my first prenatal ultrasound
• Dreaming of hearing the baby’s heartbeat

Questions were raised:

• Will I carry to term?
• Can my heart bear another loss?
• How long will this child remain in my womb?
• How do I fit 3x a week blood draws into my busy schedule?

It was torture. I struggled with what to do. But in the midst of great despair, I know this is when I need God the most. So I run to Him and don’t look back, I fall on my knees in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament of the Altar: Praising God, Petitioning God and Pleading with God. Because I do not have the luxury of waiting until I am through the first trimester to tell family and friends, Rex and I quickly share the news with those whom we consider prayer warriors.

Then we wait: Wait for days, weeks to pass, and for updates from my doctor. All our questions, concerns, hopes and dreams quickly faded by a single phone call. My doctor’s nurse was on the other line. She conveyed the news that we know all too well, “Your hormone levels have dropped. You should expect to miscarry within the next week. Please call if you need anything.” She knows that I know what to expect but nothing ever prepares you for another loss. Tears began to flood. Thoughts surfaced:

• Why does this keep happening?
• It’s not fair! I don’t understand.
• I’m not worthy to carry this cross.
• Don’t let this suffering be wasted.
• Pray for souls who need Jesus.
• I need Jesus.
• How will my heart heal?
• Why? It’s not fair.
• I don’t understand!
• Will I ever be pregnant again?
• Will I ever carry to term?

I’m not going to lie… It sucks! I still don’t understand why this keeps happening and I might not ever really understand. So my life continues on with a heavy heart along with all the things I get to do. We have chosen the name Damien John. Through it all, I strive to pray, “Jesus,  I trust in You,” because every day is a new day.

As the Church enters into this Jubilee Year of Mercy, I ask God to heal my heart. I rely on His grace and mercy to love all those He puts in my life, especially those who have made the above-stated comments or worse to me. Although my heart still hurts because of your words, know that I forgive you and love you.

My dear friends please have mercy on me. I know at times I have been distant and misunderstood. I have not been able to fully share in the joys of your pregnancy or birth of your child. I’m broken and grieving. Please forgive me. I pray that you will never fully understand the cross I carry.

Praying for you,

Rachel