Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

It’s un-debatable that at the moment of conception a new life with distinct DNA begins. Within a few hours of conception cell division begins, and within three weeks the baby’s first nerve cells have already formed. This is true regardless of a person’s belief in the innate dignity of human life or faith.

As Catholics, we should be united in our advocacy for protecting life from conception to natural death based on natural law and the revelation that we are created in the image and likeness of God.

One way to advocate for life on a daily basis is through our words. Words are powerful. So we must be conscious of what we say for good and for bad. I readily admit I’m not always perfect when it comes to my choice of words. I struggle, and I’m ashamed that I don’t always speak truthfully, especially when it comes to discussing our family.

A couple weeks ago, Rex and I were in a Costco food court where I noticed a visibly pregnant woman getting a fountain drink. A little girl, about age six, and her mom were waiting to get a drink. The little girl asked her mother a question and her mother replied, “I don’t know if she’s a mom or will be a mom,” referring to the pregnant woman. The pregnant woman overheard and responded, “Yes, I am a mom. This is actually number 4.”

I was frustrated and hurt by this encounter. The pregnant woman by the very fact of her pregnancy is a mother because she has a new, unique life growing in her womb (and in this case, other children). It’s appalling how much our culture fails to recognize life consistently.

I completely understand that a woman’s role of motherhood is much different after birth than before birth, but that doesn’t make her any less of a mother. Before birth a mother would exercise due diligence by taking her prenatal vitamins, resting, exercising, eating healthy, and abstaining from drugs, smoking, and alcohol. After birth most of these still apply with the added responsibilities of feedings and diaper changes.

For added heartache, my Costco story doesn’t end here. After that initial observation, the little girl and her mom sat a table near us. The little girl worked her way over to our table and innocently asked me the dreaded question: “Do you have any kids?”  Of course we do, we have six, and they have all died. I had a brief moment to decide how I would answer her question. Affected by the little girl’s interaction with the pregnant woman and her mother’s comments, I simply replied “No.”

I hate that answer. I feel guilty when I deny the existence of my children in order to avoid an awkward or difficult conversation. In that moment of conflicted emotion, I made a judgement that the little girl wouldn’t understand if I told her, “Yes, I have 6 precious children in heaven.” I had an opportunity to openly share the truth (a powerful option) and I blew it.

After hearing my response her mom told me, as if to comfort me, “Kids are hard work.” I didn’t know what to say that. I was frustrated by whole scenario and was at a loss of words. As we walked out to our car I thought about how badly I wanted to justify the absence of our children or to explain that we long for the hard work that accompanies raising kids. However, I recognize that I probably wouldn’t have been gracious.

In my defense, I cannot tell you how many times I have been open and shared about our children both with strangers and friends, Catholics or Protestants, and that person listening has been extremely hurtful by their response. It is these instances that cause me to remain guarded. However, I know God is calling me to share and to be open so I continue to place my trust in Him.

It is these types of casual discussions that contribute to the silent suffering that accompanies prenatal loss and infertility.  The lack of understanding about the truth of when life begins interferes with people’s comprehension and understanding why prenatal death causes such a profound sense of loss that is ongoing and unpredictable.

Words have power. I hope we use our words to uplift one another and speak the truth about life.

Let us be more mindful of our words.

Praying for you,

Rachel