Five years ago I ventured into the blogging world and hit publish to my very first post for Easter Sunday. That year, we were deep in grief. We had just lost our sixth baby, Nathanael Patrick.

To say I was devastated would have been an understatement. Just when I thought my heart couldn’t take any more heartbreak, we experienced yet another loss. It was our sixth consecutive miscarriage in two and a half years.

Through faith and God’s glorious grace, those broken pieces were healed in ways I never thought possible. God had been tugging at my heart to share our story on a blog. Writing has helped me to grieve, process and heal. So just like that, yabutslife.com was born.

Over the next couple of years, we would experience even more heartbreak as we would lose four more children – Damien John, Marian Grace, Dominic Michael, and Gianna Marie.

Are there parts of my heart that still ache? Of course.

Will there be other heartbreaks in the future? Most definitely.

Will I continue to lean into God more and draw closer to Him through it all? I hope so.

Each of our children are a gift. No matter how long their lives on earth were. I had no idea that five years after that first post, we’d finally have a baby to hold. I could never fully express the great joy and gratitude I have for that blessing. Just like her siblings, Zelie is a gift. Her life will never replace them, and I pray she too will ask for their intercession.

I know I haven’t been super consistent in posting, but I can tell you that I do have many draft posts waiting to be published. 😬

So whether or not those words ever appear on this blog, I have to remind myself it’s okay. Perhaps it’s not meant to be posted. Perhaps in time they will make their debut. Either way it’s a constant tug-a-war between “does it even matter?” and “is it too much of my tender heart to put out there?”

In the midst of that struggle, I am reminded why I started this blog in the first place. To first and foremost, uphold and dignify the lives of our saintly children. To encourage and journey with others who, like us, have experienced the death of a child(ren). And to bring awareness to this heartbreaking reality that so many people face, often times silently.

With the current pandemic, this Easter has been like none other and there is a lot to grieve. Maybe it isn’t the death of a person but maybe it’s not going to school or work. Maybe it’s not being able to gather for Mass and receive the Sacraments. Maybe it’s going grocery shopping without being suspect of those you encounter. Maybe it’s not being able to celebrate a birthday or anniversary with friends and family. Maybe it’s your canceled vacation or graduation ceremony. Maybe it’s the uncertainty of the future.

I could go on and on, but I won’t.

Often I must remind myself, that even in the midst of great suffering, there is always hope and there is always something to be grateful for.

Easter brings that hope. We know the end of the story. We know Jesus, our Savior, conquered death. So whatever your cross is today, may you draw closer to Our Lord, especially during this time, and have the courage to share your own story. God is working in your life. Trust in Him – know your story matters.

Blessed Easter season from our family to yours!

Praying for you,

Rachel

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” Matthew 16:24