I Found Change and Didn’t Want It
Hate. War. Killing. Racial & Religious Bigotry. Murders. Rape. Who wouldn’t have second thoughts about raising children or having a family in this senseless world? Rightly so! But I was up for that task, or so I thought.
Being the youngest of four, I always yearned for younger siblings and from a young age envisioned a family of my own. I wanted to raise children for the joy, laughter and good moments, to create and mold better versions of me and my family. However, a few negative experiences in school, my family dynamics, and some world events changed my idealistic view that my future children that would be world changers, peacemakers, and fighters against injustices.
I don’t want any my children to experience this type of hate or see any violence- I won’t have kids
That single thought carried me through my early 20s, but as time went by my heart softened. It is true to say that the good outweighs the bad; that love prevails in the end; and children are influenced by nature and nurture. Accepting life with all it’s ups and downs, being observant to this world, knowing how much influence parents have in forming their child is what sealed the deal for me. It was the turning point.
I want be a father. I hope to be blessed with children.
There is so much that goes into making that decision. Two years of praying and discerning for me- either the vocation of priesthood or marriage. I wondered in what way was God calling me to be a father. It wasn’t just one defining moment but a series of experiences that made the picture clear to me- my resolve became unwavering and I choose marriage.
I have blessed with a wife, who is Christ-like, whose first concern is for me is my eternal salvation. I am grateful and joyous for this blessing, but to have no earthly children to raise and show the world our joy and happiness has done many things to my mind and heart. I grieve and my heart aches. I’m confused.
Can I be a father? Is life without living children God’s punishment for my own mistakes or my family’s mistakes?
National Infertility Awareness Week passed several weeks ago, and I didn’t know about it until recently. It was the initiative of RESOLVE founded in 1974.
After our 5th loss, we began the genetic testing, which indicated we had a genetic abnormality that may have resulted in prenatal death. Similar results followed after our 6th child. Knowing about the results has caused conflicted emotions: to think what could I have done differently, guilt because the genetic abnormality is partially my “fault”, a host of emotions – anger, jealously, anxiety, depression. I ask, “God, why?” and there is, for now, no answer.
The place I find myself today is trying to reconcile my grief, my faith, and what to do next. I am the father of six children, all gone before I could hold them, who grieves the possibility of raising no children to be world changes, peacemakers, or fighters against injustice. That’s a very really, raw part of our marriage and our lives. I offer this song [Just Breath by Pearl Jam] for its lyrics, for those grieving and for those clinging to hope. Thanks for reading.
Carpe Diem,
Rex