Last October our wedding photographer, Catara, took more family photos for us. From the moment we first hired Catara, I had always dreamed of her taking our maternity and newborn pictures. She is incredibly talented and we’re so blessed to know her. She has compassionately journeyed with us through all our years of grief and has captured moments for us that we treasure deeply.

However with this session, I was feeling a little discouraged that the pictures would be similar to ones she’s taken before, with just a few more names on our board. At that point, it had been over a year since the last time I was pregnant. (I know, I still need to blog about our beloved #10, Gianna Marie). As we’ve done in the past, we thought of ways to remember our children, and in preparation for our session, my mind was filled with questions that only God knows the answers to.

Will I ever be pregnant again?

Will I ever carry to term and deliver?

What will our family look like a year from now? Five years from now?

Is God calling us to consider adoption? Can we afford adoption?

These thoughts remained as the holidays came and went. As the new year approached, I was overcome by the realization that I was not pregnant once during the calendar year of 2018. I still had hope and knew that nothing was impossible with God, but I was still discouraged of the unknown at the same time.

About a month later we had our nephew, Gabe, overnight and I remembered my dream, at least I did when I woke up. I thought it was strange because I only remember my dreams when I’m pregnant. With the hustle and bustle of caring for Gabe, I didn’t think much of it until the next day when I checked my calendar to see when my last cycle was and to my surprise, it was about the time that either my next cycle would begin or I would be pregnant.

I decided to wait one more day to see if anything would happen. I only had ‘expired’ tests but ended up using them anyway. Then I waited. those. long. five. minutes.

Again to my surprise, there was a faint line. I had Rex take a look to make sure he saw it too. He did and lit up with joy.

Quickly, I contacted my doctor to have my blood drawn to check my hormone levels, which has become routine whenever I am pregnant. I was flooded with so much uncertainty and mixed feelings.

Wow, God, thank you for entrusting us with another eternal soul.

God forbid, can my heart handle another loss?

Is this real? Am I crazy?

Soon my doctor confirms that I am pregnant and says my levels are looking great. Praise God! We’ve been down this road when things are looking good in the beginning and then begin to decline. But I have learned that I can’t live my life in fear and I need to be thankful for every day we have with this little one.

Per usual, we prayed fervently and asked those God has placed in our lives as prayer warriors to join us in prayer.

With every blood draw, we kept getting good news. The season of Lent was beginning, so every time we received good news our prayer was “Praise to You Lord Jesus Christ, King of Endless Glory.” This refrain remains our prayer of thanksgiving with every milestone we’ve reached.

Although I didn’t experience any morning sickness during my first trimester, I prayed for it. Maybe that seems naive to some, but in my twisted logic, I thought if I was sick that meant everything was okay. I never had much morning sickness so I desperately wanted this pregnancy to be different, which in turn would mean a baby would keep growing. I know that’s not how things work but I clung to anything that would reveal that everything was as it should be. Regardless of what I thought, I knew the end result is out of my hands and I needed to (and still continue to) place my trust in God.

Because we haven’t had the best experiences with ultra sounds, we decided to wait to schedule our first one. My hormone levels continued to rise and were the highest they have ever been. I was 12w5d when we heard the glorious sound of our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. We wept. My OBGYN was smiling and said, “Wow, you guys. Thank you for letting me share this moment with you.” That struck me – how moved he was; God’s goodness was palpable in that room after years of grief.

The next day we made the announcement to our co-workers and my students. Everyone was overjoyed. Many cried tears of joy for us. Honestly, it caught me a little off guard because although, I was nearing the end of my first trimester, I was still weary and anxious. Although this had been the longest I’ve been pregnant, the reality is that I know all too well that things don’t always turn out what way we hope. Some may see that as pessimism but it’s my realistic nature.

For weeks straight after our nightly prayer, we would listen to an audio bit over and over of our baby’s heartbeat – relishing in God’s goodness and faithfulness.

Even now as I write this, I am 24 weeks and I still don’t know some of answers to my questions of what will come, but I do know that I confidently give glory and praise to God for every moment with this babe. We continue to take things day by day, sometimes it’s minute by minute.

We are so thankful for your continued prayers for our family over the years. Know that we hold all of you in our daily prayers and would be honored to pray for you in any specific way.

Praying for you,

Rachel