It’s hard to believe that our second trimester with this babe has come and gone. So surreal.

There were many nights wondering if I would ever be pregnant again, let alone make it past the first trimester. Thanks be to God that things are going well! As we wait in hopeful anticipation for baby’s grand entrance to life outside my womb, here are some recaps of our second trimester.

Despite making it through the ‘safe zone’ of the first trimester, I still found myself filled with anxiety and worry. Constantly fearing, yet another loss. It’s not that I’m pessimistic but as I’ve mentioned, realistic. And realistically and historically, every single pregnancy I’ve experienced has ended in loss.

As much as those around us were ecstatic, I was still guarded and terrified. I know all too well that things are not guaranteed. However through prayer, I knew that I needed to lay all of that at Jesus’ feet on the cross and I knew I couldn’t live my life in fear.

So as my belly began to grow and at every doctor’s appointment we heard the glorious sound of baby’s heartbeat, the overwhelming fear of losing this baby began to fade – bit by bit.

With time, I became more accustomed to people asking me: 1) How are you feeling? 2) When are you due? and/or 3) Is this your first? (from strangers, of course)

The first two questions were easy for me to answer -pretty matter of fact. I feel great and incredibly grateful. Even when I’m uncomfortable or unsure, I am still pregnant and that alone is enough to rejoice about.

At the beginning of this second trimester, my iron was a little low so I started taking an iron supplement. I also was getting leg cramps pretty regularly so I increased my potassium intake and started a nightly routine of soaking my feet in epsom salt. Other than that, I don’t really have much to complain about, but even if I did, I don’t think I would.

The third question always threw me for a loop. It seems like a harmless question but, as you can imagine, carries much weight for me. It’s another variation of the dreaded question.

Honestly, at first I would just answer yes and smile, which is strange because our journey is no secret, but those one-on-one stranger interactions are scary. There is a lot of unknown. So I would agree with them about how exciting it was and pretend I am a first-time mom in pure bliss of this new life. It just was easier. It wasn’t authentic or true and I always felt guilty denying the existence of my other children.

So I wrestled with this for a few weeks. I decided next time someone would ask me that question my response would be: Yes, this is the first that has carried this far. We’ve had several miscarriages before this one. Although much harder, it was more genuine.

Also toward the beginning of this trimester, I began feeling flutters and I was pretty sure it was baby. I’m pretty self-aware and honestly, because I naturally miscarried all ten of our children, I am even more aware of what is happening in my body.

It was right around 19 weeks when I felt baby’s first distinct movement. Rex was reading Scripture for our nighttime prayer and there it was, baby’s first kick or punch. A few weeks later, Rex was able to feel baby too. Since then baby has been having a dance party every night. Every movement I felt was followed by some prayer of thanksgiving to God for this gift. As much as I tried not to be too anxious about baby’s movements, I couldn’t help it at times.

One particular moment was during daily Mass and I was praying with my eyes closed during communion. I was in the front row and within close quarters of the extraordinary minister of Holy Communion. Someone tried to sneak by between myself and the extraordinary minister and ended up lightly brushing up against me. It startled me then baby made a unique movement I never felt before – like a shudder. I was afraid something happened because I haven’t felt that kind of movement before and I didn’t feel baby move again for the remainder of Mass. So I held it together until we got to the car and just burst into tears. Rex was scared but so gracious. I explained what happened and tilted the carseat back so I could lie on my side to see if I could feel baby. Thankfully, within just a few short minutes, which felt like an eternity, baby made a movement and there was relief and gratitude in my heart. In hindsight, I’m sure it was because I was startled that startled baby and caused baby to shudder.

I can’t say that this fear is completely gone but I do know it’s not as overbearing. As much as I desperately wanted to be giddy and over the moon, I can’t. This isn’t my first pregnancy and the reality is my family has suffered tremendous loss and trauma, which most don’t understand.

It’s such a strange experience to be pregnant and to be this far along after so many consecutive losses. I thought maybe after I heard baby’s heartbeat, it would feel more real, but it didn’t. I thought maybe after I felt baby’s first distinct movement, it would feel more real, but it didn’t. I thought maybe after our anatomy scan, it would feel more real, it didn’t. At least not in the way I thought it would.

What I have realized is, truly bit-by-bit, God has healed my heart and allowed me to tenderly waver between excitement and fear, all while being incredibly grateful.

A few more quick highlights from this trimester:

-at 19 weeks, we hiked Mt. Zion with our friends hoping that would be the first of many hikes this summer. Turns out that’s was the ONLY one.

-at 20 weeks, our favorite photographer took maternity/announcement pictures for us (I LOVE them all so couldn’t decide on just ONE for this post, so click here if you want to see them all).

-at 23 weeks, Rex and I along with some other parish staff members attended the Encounter Conference (Rex shares more in his vlog, be on the look out)

-at 25 weeks, we began the Bradley Method Class as we are hoping for a natural and unmedicated birth. Pray for us!

We continue to be humbled by God’s goodness and faithfulness. We are also so humbled by your faithfulness in offering prayers for us over the years. In times of great despair or when I couldn’t find the words to pray, I know it is the grace from your prayers that kept my faith thriving. Thank you!

Praying for you,

Rachel